This little girl scares me. Seriously. Busting at the seams with personality at only two years old. Her head is held high, she moves with an air about her, and fears nothing.
Every day she has been with me I have closed my eyes at night and said a thousand "thank yous" to God for knowing my heart, better than myself. If I am brutally honest, I wept... like ugly wept... when the ultrasound confirmed she was a girl. (which reminds me I never wrote that doctor a sorry note) I thought I never wanted a daughter. It hurts to write that and I have erased it and rewrote it four times before deciding to go with it. I am big on gratefulness- there is always someone, somewhere who would be happy with less than what you have. I try not to squander or be ungrateful, my child wasn't & isn't unloved, she just wasn't what I had planned for... We were and are grateful for our child. Please don't read this and think otherwise, that isn't the case.
Life had a rhythm- then bam! ready or not, here is another child. My life was full and brimming over the top with love for my son. Being an only child made the idea of a sibling such a foreign thought, that I cried thinking I was doing something that would hurt my son. Hurt our bond. How would he understand that I have two babies? How would he understand me loving another person? Can you love two babies the same? Can it be the same intense and all consuming force that is there for the first one?
I had a toddler and I was pregnant with my husband gone at training... A lot was on my plate. New husband, new home, new job for my husband, no job for me. Life was full of changes, big ones. With any change worth making, there will be some discomfort.
Fast forward, my daughter was a week late and my husband had just came home from training for good... we joke that she was waiting on her Daddy because she came abruptly within 24 hours of him being home.
Silly, silly, me. I didn't know any better.
My love for them is as fierce and forceful as it is for the other. They are different people and we bond in different ways, but the story is the same. I am their mother, they are my precious, sweet gifts and I will not let one day go by that I don't fall on my knees and give thanks for them. I will bend and break for them...
Move mountains for them.
My son is and will be a better person one day because he is a big brother, he is a sibling. Not to say us only children are getting the short end of the stick, but there is nothing mean or unfair about bringing another soul into our family to love and share this journey.
She is a part of my story, that perhaps I didn't see coming. Her small, round, chubby self compels me to squeeze and kiss her constantly. She has me laughing out loud every time I turn around, she blows me away with the things she says.
To me, she is perfect in every way.
She came here as an old soul. Intelligent, funny, confident, loving... I am scared, so very scared that I won't be able to keep her as she is. Happy, blissfully happy every day and that word.. confident...
Being a mother to a little girl means you are her main example of a woman. Its your job to show her what we are all about. What a daunting task! In my mind, women have always been these multi- dimensional, powerful, and for lack of better descriptive words- forces of nature.
There are so many things to be, to show her, to teach her.
To have grace and class, yet a playful soul.
How to wear heels and till a garden.
To bake muffins from scratch and bring home bacon as well.
Play sports, get messy and how to shop for clothes and properly put on eyeshadow.
How will I teach her to hold on to that confidence?
In a world that doesn't value a woman - a real woman, the way it should?
How can I help her skip the middle years of self doubt and insecurities?
Is there a way to teach her not to sweat the silly 'relationships' in school & make her understand that, that moment is so temporary- that there is a big, long, beautiful life ahead?
Daughter, don't waste one second putting down your body. It was made from scratch within me. There is nothing on earth that I am more proud of than having made and delivered two children & then sustained them with my own milk. My body knows what it is doing, it is this functioning, amazing miracle. Our bodies deserve all the love and respect we can give them. Feed yourself well, move your body, put good in - get good out.
Can I teach her to not hate me, because I really am acting in her best interest...
Can she be taught to not except less than what she knows she deserves?
My sweet daughter,
always hold your head high... it doesn't matter if you know every one in the room is judging or watching you, you walk- chin up,
Know that you can articulately put someone in their place,
that you can crush someone with your words, but you don't.
You treat everyone with love.
with respect- as long as they do the same.
When they don't- you be bigger- you be better.
You worry about you and do whats best for you.
Realize that you can go whatever direction you want.
You belong to no one.
You are that amazing, you are that bold, that strong.
You can fall, you can fail- and you don't have to be rescued.
Spend time being single- it is the greatest gift you will give yourself.
Create yourself and put away all that noise telling you otherwise.
Find a man that compliments you- you the way you are and the way you want to be.
Trust in the Lord, look at what he has done in your mother's life.
Do not settle for a man who doesn't know how to handle a strong woman- because you are one.
You're as independent as you want to be
Know how to apologize.
Be a lady,
but be a boss
You have two hands and two feet and are beyond intelligent.
You are blessed and you are loved.
I want her to love herself. Real love. Not just when she is having a good hair day or when things are going her way, but love when the sun isn't shining, love even when others walk out.
How can she skip the in between that her mother had to fight through to get to the other side? She won't and she can't. If I think back, I wouldn't trade any of it. The strength found from going through a heavy life event, or learning a hard lesson is golden. Honestly, I treasure it. Wisdom is earned through time and trials. I say it all the time that parents who shield their children from real world struggle are doing them a disservice. This anxiety I have about being a perfect example so she can breeze through the rough parts is well... going to make it harder for her. It is ok for her to see me fail. See me struggle with stress and drop the ball. See me cry over burnt spaghetti. These are all things that will build her into the woman she will become one day. For all the bad she will see, she will see the good. The kissed boo boos, the patience, the apologies, the spontaneous dance parties, the joy that I have to offer her.
She is going to cry because some boy (who won't be good enough for her ) kissed some girl.
Probably will date a few guys I hate. That her Daddy and big brother will really hate.
They'll be curfews pushed.
Eyes rolled.
Tears shed.
Doors slammed.
She is my daughter. She will have my arms wrapped around her and my ear and shoulder anytime she wants them. I will be everything I need to be, I am enough.
Having a daughter forces you to take stock of your own self love & confidence. I had to take inventory of my personal feelings on the matter. My mother was and is an amazing woman with large shoes to fill... Our bond was intense and she has been my best friend from the start, she is a great mother. Maybe my daughter didn't scare me. Maybe thinking I wasn't a good enough example to this person I loved more than life itself scared me. That I couldn't be all the things my mom was to me, to my daughter. How could I be good enough for this person I want to blossom into all that I know she is?... But I am enough and I do deserve her.
I sing to her all the time, because she loves to sing! She asks for the "moon" song... I sing the chorus over and over, but the ending is what I love the most.
"it seems to me, that God above created you for me to love. He picked you out, from all the rest because he knew I'd love you best."
I AM ENOUGH.
Singing Frozen songs, playing dress up, eating fake sandwiches, and carrying around her and her life sized baby doll is all I have to do today. There is this grand adventure of having a daughter that I am going to soak up. We will get to the more complicated parts later, but something tells me they will all work out.
This is my little girl and she is everything and more.
My daughter makes me proud.
This fool would not be complete without her...
When she was born I posted, "my cup runneth over." It does daily with her in it.
There will never be another one like her again.
